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Category: Holistic Life Coaching

Talking About The Difficult Stuff In Life

Talking About The Difficult Stuff, difficult conversations, sexual abuse, Shaman, Emotional Healing

If you were kind enough to read my blog post from last week (thank you!) then you know I talked about some tender and harsh events from my childhood that are very difficult to talk about. I met and talked with Melody Morris a couple of weeks ago which is where I got the idea to dive right in and not shy away from my experiences.

So I asked Melody Morris to write a guest post to explain how she helps women own their muchness and helps them realize their full potential.

I’m honored this week that Melody is here to share her story.

Where Own Your Muchness Began

Melody Morris is the CEO of Total Energy Healing USA, a motivational speaker, modern day mystic and highly intuitive Shaman. She has studied multiple energy healing modalities for more than 2 decades, both from scientific and spiritual aspects.

She empowers women daily to Own Your Muchness by helping them heal from past sexual and relationship trauma and teaches them how to manifest the lives and relationships they desire and deserve.

Melody has also studied manifestation and mindset for many years and loves to share her knowledge and her intuitive messages with her clients.

Melody’s Experience With Own Your Muchness

I know many of you read Melissa’s post from last week and could feel how difficult it was for her to be so honest about her life in such a public way. Thank you for sharing such a painful memory with us. You are brave and will help many women with your story.

I was raised by parents who cared for me in ways that I can’t even fathom.  I look back on me as a child and wonder how they didn’t eat me like some wild animals do!

Despite their best efforts I grew up believing everything that happened to anyone that I cared about was my fault. I took on responsibility for everything, even things that had absolutely nothing to do with me.

I was highly sensitive to people in pain so I always imagined myself going into some kind of medicine; a doctor at first and then as I grew older I thought maybe a physical therapist. My dream was always to be some form of healer.

My negative track record with sex didn’t happen until college when at 20 years old I thought I was bullet proof and walked the wrong path across my college campus and was pinned down and raped by a baseball team member, while 2 of his buddies helped hold me.

I completely clammed up, I never told anyone. If any of my family reads this, it’ll be the first they have ever heard of it. Even then, that was my fault. I thought I deserved it somehow.

My relationship with sex and intimate relationships just continued in a downward spiral from there. I was completely void of emotion when I accepted an engagement ring and then later married a man who turned out to be just another someone who would abuse me, in a long line of abusive someone’s.

One relationship after another I would stay and put up with all kinds of bullshit from all sides, until it became too much for me and then I would run, usually right into another bad relationship.

It had been a long road and by this point I was so very tired. Moving to North Carolina was the change that really began my journey into embracing me and owning my own muchness.

From One Bad Relationship To Another

Shortly after moving here I was introduced to shamanic healing. I already had an established meditation practice, I could astral project and effect my own and others energy, so I was no stranger to the more spiritual, less religious path.

It has been, at times, a challenge for me to explain to people what I do and how I got here to this place of Owning My Muchness.

I was like a dirty pond, with my Muchness at the bottom waiting to be released from layer after layer of shit I had piled on top of it beginning with blaming myself as a child and continuing right up until that point.

When you’re clearing a pond, you skim off everything on the surface and then wait for the next layer of junk to rise, so you can skim it off, leaving room for the next layer to rise, over and over until you clear the water. Believe in Yourself, Self Doubt, Self Confidence, Fear, healing from sexual trauma

My layers of pond scum were covering up some awesomeness that I am still in awe of some days.

We each have our own pond and at the bottom under nasty icky layers of pond scum, our Muchness waits to be uncovered.

This is what I do. I teach others how to skim off the pond scum and clear the water so your individual and awesomely unique YOU can show up and shine.

In everything we experience, there is a lesson to learn about ourselves. For example, a limiting belief that we can change will bring us closer and closer to being exactly who we are at our core, where our true power comes from.

All of the masks we wear, the self-worth issues, the blame issues, the addictions, etc., none of those things are us. These are techniques we use to make us feel more palatable to ourselves or to others.

We each have our own pond. It’s up to you whether you are ready to clean it up or not. If you are, I’m here to help.

I’ve done it myself so I have some insight that just might help you through your scum-skimming exercises.

Own Your Muchness. It’s there at the bottom of the pond waiting for you to let it shine!

How To Connect With Melody

If it’s time for you to Own Your Muchness and you’re ready to begin healing, here are the best ways to connect with Melody:

Facebook www.facebook.com/totalenergyhealingusa

Facebook group www.facebook.com/groups/601374293612017

I’m so grateful that Melody and I have met and so appreciate our conversations. What this all boils down to is that I’m not the only one these experiences have happened to. If I can shed some light on such a tender subject and help another woman heal, then, as an aromatherapist, I believe I’m serving you in the best way possible. 

Emotional healing can happen. Aromatherapy helps this process. Please let me know how I can help. Please contact Melody at her links listed above, or fill out this contact form and let’s get started on the healing journey today.

Blessings,

Melissa

Own Your Muchness

Own Your Muchness, Sexual Abuse

Own Your Muchness – isn’t that a powerful statement? I met the powerful woman behind that statement recently at a weekly meeting I attend and I was so inspired! As a matter of fact, I’m so inspired that I asked her permission to write about it in this week’s post.

What Does It Mean Own Your Muchness?

Melody Morris is the amazing talent behind Total Energy Healing USA and her mission is to empower women especially those who have experienced sexual trauma. It’s especially tender to me as I experienced trauma of this nature as a child. 

It’s critical to your quality of life for you to find the best way to heal this trauma and for me, it’s been a very long journey.

What I really want to share with you today is a little bit about Melody’s message of owning your muchness.

Melody is a shaman and energy healer (and holistic life coach) and she’s agreed to be a guest on my Scented Balance blog in the next few weeks to talk about what she does, why she does it and how it can benefit you. (I’m really excited about this!)

When I asked Melody to explain “own your muchness”, she said it’s about owning your power, understanding who you really are and and embracing the real you – not the you that everyone else wants you to be.

It’s all about owning your passions, embracing your quirks, accepting your life experiences and being good with how it makes you a beautifully unique human being. 

Remember the advertisement “Love the skin you’re in”? It goes right along with owning your muchness; accepting yourself as a human being, not apologizing for taking up space on the planet and NEVER apologizing for living your life on YOUR terms.

Since Melody and I were talking one on one, I personally understood her message to me to appreciate all my quirks, my desires, my heart, my soul, my very uniqueness – all the traits that make me ME.

Why Does It Matter?

Yes, right now I’m struggling to share with you why all this matters. If I’m struggling to make sense of parts of my life, I know I’m not the only one.

I was raised by a very controlling mother who never taught me about self worth; only that I should be ashamed of who I was/am. Between her and the patriarchal religion that taught me I’m nothing but a worthless piece of shit, you can hopefully understand why I’ve struggled to come to terms with my childhood, the person I truly am and why I’m sharing this rawness with you.

The message I got pounded into my head is that I didn’t have any business taking up space on the planet. I wasn’t allowed to learn how to make decisions, good or bad. They were made for me because I wasn’t good enough to make them on my own.

Then there’s the sexual abuse. I was molested at the tender age of 8. When I told my mother (at 16) that I couldn’t take any more, I was blamed for it – as a child. To my face. (Of course it’s my fault – it couldn’t be his!)

I spent a lot of years feeling depressed, ashamed and uncomfortable in my own skin. I experienced some really bad relationships because I didn’t have the courage to own my muchness.  knowing who you are, speaking my truth, aromatherapy for trauma

So, it matters that I own my muchness because I’m done apologizing for being a sensitive person, finished with apologizing because I stepped out of the box I was put in and done feeling ashamed for speaking my truth.

I’ve come to terms with the compassionate, sensitive, quirky human that I am. When you show up every day as who you really are, the right people come into your life. And the wrong people fade away.

That’s where the real magic is.

My conversation with Melody really resonated with me – actually I felt like I had an aha moment. There’s real power in appreciating the traits that make you a unique soul in a population of billions. When you own that power, you live a happier, more genuine and fulfilled life.

Isn’t that what life’s all about?

Why I Do What I Do

My mission – my passion – is to help women understand their inner beauty in a society that only values outer beauty. I believe it’s why it’s important to share aromatherapy, why it’s my special gift and why I’m so good at it. Aromatherapy offers a wonderful tool for your daily life and for healing from life’s traumas.

And we all experience traumas in life.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to share a painful part of my life. I can’t wait for you to meet Melody Morris! In the meantime, here’s a link to her website: Total Energy Healing.

Thank you for being a part of my life – however messy it is. Be who you are and OWN YOUR MUCHNESS!

Blessings,

Melissa

Simply Show Up In Life

Simply Show Up In Life,My friend’s father died at Christmas. What do you say to someone in that moment when they need you the most? I didn’t say a whole lot – of course I said how deeply sorry I was for her loss. Outside of those few words, I chose to simply show up for her.

Nothing you can say or do will ease the loss of a loved one. Nothing.

As humans, we feel helpless especially when we don’t know what to say or do. The best way to handle that helplessness is to show up.

At his celebration of life service, my friend didn’t have a whole lot of time – obviously – to chat.

But she knew I was there because all I could do was simply show up in life – for her – at that moment.

When You Don’t Know What To Do

I recently read an article by Glennon Doyle about simply showing up in life.

Glennon Doyle is an insightful writer who’s been to hell and back with drug addiction and bulimia and in the process, figured out the secret to life is simply showing up.

She says:

The secret of life is not about knowing what to say or do. It’s not about doing love or loss right. Life cannot be handled. The secret is simply to show up. It’s about witnessing it all, even the pain, and letting it touch you and make you not harder, but more tender. Showing up, feeling it all—this is my new kind of prayer.

It took her beloved grandmother living her last moments and her sister giving birth – all on the same day – to change her thinking about what to do when you don’t know what to do.

Can you imagine how you’d make a choice like that?

You don’t. You simply show up in life.

You do your very best to simply show up knowing that it’s painful, it’s heartbreaking, it’s life-altering.

What I’ve Learned About Simply Showing Up In Life

I’ve learned that life is hard. I’ve learned that to have a friend, you have to be a friend. A true friend. I’ve learned that sometimes, saying nothing and just showing up is what matters most. To Have A Friend You Have To Be A Friend

Knowing that nothing I could say or do would change the situation or make it any easier, I showed up.

Instead of mumbling the standard ‘he’s in a better place’ (which does absolutely nothing I might add) I showed up for my friend and simply said:

Peace and be well.  

During those inevitable times when life goes sideways, yes, it will hurt. But kindness makes the bitterness of life easier to handle.

Glennon Doyle went on to say:

I felt like I was getting the inside scoop from life itself, and it was saying, “Yes, Glennon, it’s as hard as you fear. That won’t change. You will lose people. It will hurt badly, and yet…we go on. Tomorrow will be beautiful again—more beautiful than you can imagine.”

It’s when you don’t know what to say or do that simply showing up in life means the world.

Please take a moment to share this with someone you love. And if you need some inspiration for showing up, let’s talk.

Blessings,

Melissa

Clutter, Clutter Everywhere and No Place To Put It

decluttering, clutter, depression, minimalism, minimalistI think my head is going to explode. I went to a friend’s house to help out last week and there was clutter, clutter everywhere and no place to put it!

It’s the Christmas season and we’re all shopping like crazy to get the perfect gift on everyone’s list. So, where do you put all the new stuff when your closets are already overflowing?

Why Am I Writing About Clutter?

Yes, I know I’m a certified aromatherapist and what does clutter have to do with aromatherapy? Well, I’m also a holistic life coach and that means I’ve been trained to ask questions and look at situations with fresh eyes. And that’s important information for you to have when reading this post – and thank you for reading!

I visited my friend to help her move “stuff” (read that to mean clutter) around to make room for her Christmas tree. Sheesh!

Listen – how you live is none of my business – ever. But when you stand there and complain that you’re overwhelmed, depressed, frustrated and mad as hell while we’re rearranging a shittonne of junk, then don’t expect me to keep my mouth shut.

To make room for the tree, we had to move some of the clutter into her bedroom which already looked like a warehouse. Bedrooms are for sleeping and sex – NOT for TV watching, eating or as storage units! Period! 

I’ve been in minor minimalist mode for the last few years. I say minor because I have no intention of getting rid of everything I own.

But here’s what’s been on my mind lately: What happens if I get run over by a truck today? Then what? Who’s going to take care of all the stuff and clutter that I have everywhere? Just how much stuff sitting around collecting dust do I really need? minimalist, minimalism, de-cluttering

The bigger and better question is this: WHY are you hanging on to all this stuff – clutter? What does it represent to you? How does it make you feel to hang onto all this stuff? Better yet, how does it make you feel when you get rid of all that stuff?

I told you that the life coach thing would be important to this blog post. :0)

My Minimalist Approach

Here’s my idea of minimalism:

  • Have just what I need – maybe a bit more
  • If I haven’t touched it in 2 years, it’s time to get rid of it
  • If I haven’t worn it in 2 years, let it go
  • How much dusting do I really want to do (I hate dusting)
  • Analyzing why I need more stuff

Physical clutter equates to mental clutter pure and simple. Yet all the commercials we watch brainwash us into thinking we NEED more stuff! Have you noticed how many storage companies there are around your town? Why do think that is?

Listen, I love pretty things and lots of clothes as much as the next guy. I do. BUT – what am I going to do with all this stuff when I get old? All that money spent on needless stuff could have helped my retirement account get a little bigger and make me feel more secure.

Not to mention that we get busy busy busy and don’t take the time to put things away if there’s any room left!

The First Step in De-Cluttering

STOP. JUST STOP. Stop buying stuff you don’t absolutely need for your survival!

At this time of the year, it’s imperative to think outside of the Christmas box. Instead of buying more needless stuff for someone, why not have dinner together? Why not get you and your sister/friend/mom a mani/pedi and spend time together? Or get a series of yoga classes to take together?

How many more toys do your kids and grandkids really need? If they’re into soccer, why not get them a soccer lesson? Or tickets to a big league soccer game and go with them? It’s not things that make memories, it’s people we’ve spent time with.

And in all of this, you’re shopping local at small independent businesses where your dollars make a difference!

My second step was to clean out the junk drawer in my kitchen. Then it was a stack of boxes with stuff I hadn’t touched in five years – five years! If you haven’t touched it in that length of time, why do you need to keep it?

What’s your first step toward de-cluttering?

Where To Take Your Clutter

There’s a number of excellent places to donate your items, but one in particular touched my heart. Annie’s Hope Center For Growing And Healing. Annie’s Hope is a certified 501(c)3 non-profit and the Reverend Abby Catoe is the force behind it. Helping women who have endured domestic violence, this labor of love helps them heal and get back on their feet.

Of course, there’s always Goodwill, Rescue Mission and the Salvation Army. You do help change lives when you give to all of these organizations.

Please think about de-cluttering this year when you do your Christmas shopping. Seriously give some thought to spending time with those who matter to you instead of buying stuff! Besides – I have some awesome products for you to give the gift of health this year for Christmas – let’s talk today!

Blessings,

Melissa

If Everybody Wins, Who Really Wins?

If Everybody Wins Who Really Wins?, Law Of Attraction, Sense of Entitlement, Good Kid, Criticism

If everybody wins, who really wins? I had an eye-opening conversation with a friend recently about this very subject. We were talking about some of the people she works with that don’t do their job because “they don’t want to” and there’s no motivation to do any different.

She went on to say that these particular people are the first generation that got a blue ribbon just for showing up on Field Day. They received everything equally so that nobody’s fragile self esteem was damaged.

Needing to process that statement, I looked at her for a moment and then it hit me.

Everyone of them got a blue ribbon on Field Day at school so that everyone would win something and nobody walked away hurt and disappointed. Everyone is a winner – everybody is a king.

GAH!

This trend began some years ago because some “authority” told us that children need constant positive feedback to grow into self-confident adults. If someone wins, then someone loses and somebody might feel bad about themselves so let’s just make everybody the same and then everybody feels awesome! My friend’s co-workers are the first generation of “Believe. Achieve. Succeed.”. And it’s been taken one step too far.

I understand the premise behind it, but not the reasoning. Nobody wants to feel the sting of disappointment – especially when you really put forth your best effort.

But if you never learn the agony of defeat in life, then how do you learn to gracefully handle the thrill of victory? If everything is awesome, how can anything be awesome?

I remember the first time my son came home from school sobbing with disappointment because he didn’t win. Everyone in his kindergarten class submitted artwork for a contest at his school. He didn’t win anything at all – not even an honorable mention. The artwork was awesome (of course it was!) so I did what any parent would do, I called his teacher.

I explained the situation and asked who was judging the contest. The teacher told me that an art teacher from the high school was judging the contest – a person who didn’t know any of the children and was objective. Okay – thank you – got it – just wanted to check and make sure.

Then the hard part came – gotta tell my 5 year old that sometimes life just stinks. It’s not because he didn’t do his best, not because he was disliked.

He didn’t win anything because someone else was better at art than he was.

If everybody is a winner at everything, then how do you learn what your gifts and abilities are? How do you discover a passion for something when you get a gold star just for showing up and breathing?

If everybody gets a blue ribbon, does that mean everybody is going to be a doctor? Or lawyer? Or succeed at college life?

See what I’m getting at?

Healthy Self Confidence Instead of Over-Inflated Ego

Michael Sigman, in writing for the Huffington Post, says this everyone-wins-a-trophy mentality simply breeds a false sense of self-confidence:

“Grade inflation promotes ego inflation, the opposite of healthy self-confidence. “We want to encourage effort, especially among young kids,” says Jean M. Twenge, author of The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. “But the ‘everybody gets a trophy’ mentality basically says that you’re going to get rewarded just for showing up. That won’t build true self-esteem; instead, it builds this empty sense of ‘I’m just fantastic, not because I did anything but just because I’m here.’”

By fighting to earn my blue ribbon (or A, or whatever the prize is) I learned good sportsmanship, motivation, self-confidence along with knowing what I was good at and where I was lousy.

I can tell you right now, absolutely NO ONE was concerned about building up my fragile self-esteem. It was all about doing better than you did the day before, studying hard so you didn’t get grounded for bad grades and finding (and fitting in with) friends you enjoyed playing with.

A Learned Sense of Entitlement

Mark Merrill writes about this learned sense of entitlement in a blunt way:

“It seemed to start in the early 90’s. Maybe it was in little league sports, maybe somewhere else. Someone came up with the idea that there would be no losers. Maybe they didn’t want to “damage the children’s self-esteem.” Thus, everyone wins. Everyone gets a trophy. Sure, maybe at a very young age it’s no big deal, but kids are smart cookies. As they get a bit older, they see what’s happening and it de-motivates them. The less talented kids have no reason to do better and the more talented kids have little motivation to excel. On the other hand, it’s also dangerous for our children to think that if you can’t win, you shouldn’t play. That’s a lie too. There is often incredible benefit in being on the basketball team even if you’re not the starter or to sing in the choir even if you’re not the star.”

Even if you’re lousy at something, shouldn’t you experience it just to be a well-rounded human? If you win at everything, does that make you a good kid? If you don’t win, then what?

I love this explanation about raising mentally tough and healthy kids by blogger Anna McAffee:

“We set them up for failure by not giving them realistic expectations. We do not prepare them for healthy criticism, nor do we allow them to determine their gifts and abilities. By telling them that they can do whatever they want, they never have the chance to figure out what they are good at and what they are not good at. Working to develop well-rounded and confident children is not a bad thing. The problem arises when we tell our children that they are going to be the very best at everything they set out to do.”

While I think it’s good to let children know they can attempt anything at all, we also need to temper this with teaching them to look for and hone their gifts and abilities instead of just expecting to be patted on the back for simply showing up.

How This Turned Into The Law Of Attraction

While this mentality of “you can have, be and do anything you set your mind to” is great in theory for motivation, it stinks in reality. I think this whole entitlement mentality paved the way for the huge “law of attraction” explosion. 

The Law Of Attraction basically says whatever you want, all you have to do is dream it, think positive thoughts and it’s yours. Whether that’s a million bucks, a fabulous job, the prettiest spouse in town – whatever. You want it, you got it because with the law of attraction, nobody loses and everybody wins!

Really?

So what happens when the dream doesn’t happen? How do you handle bitter disappointment when you’ve never known loss or defeat because, you know, everyone’s a winner? There’s this false sense of reality because the law of attractions says I’ll succeed at everything I try!

When it doesn’t happen, then what? If you’ve always gotten the blue ribbon for just showing up, then you really don’t know what failure and disappointment is.

What happens the first time your boss criticizes you because you could’ve done a better job on that project or you need to start showing up on time? If you don’t know any different, how do you handle that criticism?

There’s a real shock! My friend said people quit their job at her company because they just didn’t feel like doing the job they’re being paid for! When they were criticized for not stepping up, it made them so mad, they quit.

I swear my eyes are rolling right out of the back of my head. Jeez…

Healthy Self Esteem and Self Worth

We all need to receive positive feedback – especially as a child. I get that. And yes, if you work hard enough, you’ll probably get what you want or some semblance thereof. Maybe. But if you’re tying your self esteem and self worth to winning and losing, you’re screwed from the start.

Healthy self esteem and self worth comes from the inside. You’ve got to know in you’re own heart that no matter what people think or say, YOU are a worthy person. Not because you got a blue ribbon for showing up on field day, but because you’re a human being worthy of taking up space on the planet.

Some things, you just have to learn on your own – including disappointment and criticism. Or with the help of an awesome and compassionate holistic life coach. :0) Fill out this short contact form and let’s talk about this today!

Blessings,

Melissa